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xp_jubileeOkay, this isn't going to be an entry for excuses or some crying act about how sorry I am.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I'm not sorry.
Shit, you have no idea but hindsight is fucking 20/20 and as to this moment I don't think I've ever met anyone who could have 20/20 foresight. Marie-Ange, you ever manage to get that, you're gonna have a line out the fuc...damn door for your services.
I fully expect to get yelled at, possibly even hated. It's not every day you almost get your classmates killed. I can't blame any of you, whatever you decide. (Karma is such a son of a bitch, sometimes. Especially considering you can't avoid it with a little confession like the Christians can. Ain't any divine forgiveness for this little black duck.)
Sorry, this ain't a martyr act either. I'm not about to fall on my sword or whatever.
What am I going to do? Don't know. Give you the facts as I remember them; let you make up your own mind. I ain't doing this for forgiveness. If I thought this was just for me, I wouldn't say a damn thing. Just doing it because the truth will out, and karma has to be served.
So, here goes...
Awhile back, I managed to catch a fairly detailed view of all the scars Amanda happens to have. No, I ain't about to tell you how. To be honest, that's between her and me and talkin' about it isn't going to shed any more light on this. So, if she feels the need to tell you all that, it's up to her.
Anyway, she sent me something after that with some fairly strong words in it. It got me curious as to why the scars were so damned important. I'll admit to some fairly nasty thoughts at that stage. We ain't ever made any secret of our dislike for each other and back then, well, there wasn't the truce in effect. (Can't say whether it's in effect now really. For me, I'd like it to be but that one's up to her too. )
So, I went snooping' around to try and find out as much as I could. Ended up finding some pretty nasty shit out there, I'll tell ya. Anyway, got contacted by a person (I use that word in the most general of senses, since I don't know whether it really was a person or not. For all I know it could have been a computer program designed to look for someone just like me. Gullible, in other words. )
This person, led me to a guy. This guy said he could get me the information I needed for a price and if I could give him some sketches of the marks I was looking for information on.
I sent him the sketches and then met him later on with the payment (He wanted my blood, if you really want to know. I've since learnt that kind of thing has power. Pity I didn't know it then.) and he gave me the information I thought I was looking for. Too bad that information turned out to be false later on.
So, for the last long while I've been working on the view that Amanda was evil. That the scars on her body were part of a ritual that was done to give her more power. I'm not using that as an excuse for anything that I did. Just tellin' you where I was coming from.
I know you all saw the flowers I got on Monday, they were from the guy I went to. He was thanking me for helping him summon a demon. That's right, that was my fault, not Amanda's. So, now you know.
Why didn't I go to the teachers with this when I've told other people to do the same?
Honestly?
I'd like to say it's because I didn't think they'd believe me. Truth is, it's because I was so fucking sure I knew what I was doing. Because a few months ago I was an arrogant little shit who'd never had to face what she could become if she didn't try damn hard to change that right now. Because I knew they'd be all about the 'You're allowing your feelings to cloud your judgement'
They'd have been right.
So, that's it. That's all of it. Am I a different person now then I was then? I don't know. Almost killing someone in a fit of rage has a way of changing someone. Well, I certainly learned how badly I could fuck up under my own steam.
Someone once said to me, you could never be forgiven for things you've done. You can only stop doing the bad things and make sure the future is better. (Now you know why I gave you such a hard time for that. Even if I lied about it at the time.)
But I can't even ask for that chance. It's not how Karma works. What comes around, goes around and all that jazz.
So, bring it on. I'll be by the lake for anyone who feels the need to come throw me in.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I'm not sorry.
Shit, you have no idea but hindsight is fucking 20/20 and as to this moment I don't think I've ever met anyone who could have 20/20 foresight. Marie-Ange, you ever manage to get that, you're gonna have a line out the fuc...damn door for your services.
I fully expect to get yelled at, possibly even hated. It's not every day you almost get your classmates killed. I can't blame any of you, whatever you decide. (Karma is such a son of a bitch, sometimes. Especially considering you can't avoid it with a little confession like the Christians can. Ain't any divine forgiveness for this little black duck.)
Sorry, this ain't a martyr act either. I'm not about to fall on my sword or whatever.
What am I going to do? Don't know. Give you the facts as I remember them; let you make up your own mind. I ain't doing this for forgiveness. If I thought this was just for me, I wouldn't say a damn thing. Just doing it because the truth will out, and karma has to be served.
So, here goes...
Awhile back, I managed to catch a fairly detailed view of all the scars Amanda happens to have. No, I ain't about to tell you how. To be honest, that's between her and me and talkin' about it isn't going to shed any more light on this. So, if she feels the need to tell you all that, it's up to her.
Anyway, she sent me something after that with some fairly strong words in it. It got me curious as to why the scars were so damned important. I'll admit to some fairly nasty thoughts at that stage. We ain't ever made any secret of our dislike for each other and back then, well, there wasn't the truce in effect. (Can't say whether it's in effect now really. For me, I'd like it to be but that one's up to her too. )
So, I went snooping' around to try and find out as much as I could. Ended up finding some pretty nasty shit out there, I'll tell ya. Anyway, got contacted by a person (I use that word in the most general of senses, since I don't know whether it really was a person or not. For all I know it could have been a computer program designed to look for someone just like me. Gullible, in other words. )
This person, led me to a guy. This guy said he could get me the information I needed for a price and if I could give him some sketches of the marks I was looking for information on.
I sent him the sketches and then met him later on with the payment (He wanted my blood, if you really want to know. I've since learnt that kind of thing has power. Pity I didn't know it then.) and he gave me the information I thought I was looking for. Too bad that information turned out to be false later on.
So, for the last long while I've been working on the view that Amanda was evil. That the scars on her body were part of a ritual that was done to give her more power. I'm not using that as an excuse for anything that I did. Just tellin' you where I was coming from.
I know you all saw the flowers I got on Monday, they were from the guy I went to. He was thanking me for helping him summon a demon. That's right, that was my fault, not Amanda's. So, now you know.
Why didn't I go to the teachers with this when I've told other people to do the same?
Honestly?
I'd like to say it's because I didn't think they'd believe me. Truth is, it's because I was so fucking sure I knew what I was doing. Because a few months ago I was an arrogant little shit who'd never had to face what she could become if she didn't try damn hard to change that right now. Because I knew they'd be all about the 'You're allowing your feelings to cloud your judgement'
They'd have been right.
So, that's it. That's all of it. Am I a different person now then I was then? I don't know. Almost killing someone in a fit of rage has a way of changing someone. Well, I certainly learned how badly I could fuck up under my own steam.
Someone once said to me, you could never be forgiven for things you've done. You can only stop doing the bad things and make sure the future is better. (Now you know why I gave you such a hard time for that. Even if I lied about it at the time.)
But I can't even ask for that chance. It's not how Karma works. What comes around, goes around and all that jazz.
So, bring it on. I'll be by the lake for anyone who feels the need to come throw me in.
Well, I suppose that's how you were able to kill it, then.
Date: 2004-11-03 10:36 am (UTC)I was going to write you an email, keep things private, spare the rest of the place from this. But that's how all this started, isn't it? Secrets? Me and mine, you and yours. You trying to find out mine. So I'll keep this public, out in the open.
At least so I don't get accused of threatening to kill you or something later.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Really. Everything I've been through in the past year, everything I've had thrown at me, and what nearly finishes it for me? A spoilt brat who thinks she knows everything. Where the fuck do you get off, Lee? This is my bloody life we're talking about here. It's not some game, or a fairy story, or one of your stupid programs on the telly. It's not Harry Potter and the Holy Bleeding Grail. My life. Even when I thought the worst of Illyana, even when I was convinced she was part-demon or something, I never had the sheer arrogance to think I could do anything to stop it. I told people. Fuck, I told everyone who would listen, and everyone who wouldn't, and when that didn't work, I told them again. I never went snooping around into her private life trying to find some kind of fucking weakness so I could go and get her bloody well killed.
But you know what? That karma you're so bloody fond of tossing around? Already working. Because by doing this, by giving Patches (oh yes, I know who he is all right. My fucking dealer back when I was on the magics. The one who sold me out to Rack) the info and the blood he needed to set me up, by nearly getting Manny killed, you gave me the reason I needed to put an end to all this. See, last night, I cast an unbinding spell. I had to summon Rack from the dead to do it, with Nate as my spotter, but I'm free now. The scars? Are just that. I can get them removed. So in a way, I owe my life to you. Twice. And that's going to be what stops me from doing what you said and throwing you in the lake. But I want nothing to do with you, Lee. Ever. It's up to Manuel whether he wants to stay friends with you or not; I won't stand in the way there, since he needs all the friends he can get. But we're through. I won't hear one more word from you.
You said you're sorry. It's not me you should be sorry to. It's Manuel, who nearly got mashed into paste. It's Clarice, who's more purple than usual because of the bruises. It's Angelo, who's having nightmares again because he was in a burning building and he has bad memories of fire. It's Alex and the ringing in his ears. It's even Illyana, who fought the thing off with a broken arm It's the people who went to that club expecting to have a fun night out, and got a fucking demon instead.
I hope your karma's good enough to settle those scores.
I don't think any karma could be.
Date: 2004-11-03 11:53 am (UTC)I won't try and talk to you again.
I'm sorry, to everyone.